If you live in Baltimore you’ve passed a public bench or two at some point in your miserable existence. If you’re literate, and weren’t running from the police, I’m sure you’ve had a few seconds to take note of the absurd proclamations we make as a city. I’m certain there are more, but two I’ve seen regularly are:
1.) Baltimore – The Greatest City in America
2.) Baltimore – The City That Reads
Now, neither of those statements are true nor verifiable. I’m pretty sure the only thing books are used for in Baltimore is to hide drugs, or if you cut out the inside you can even stash a small weapon.
Now, to say Baltimore is the greatest city in America is an opinion. I say, let’s try and stick to the facts. I have come up with a few verifiable alternatives that I will suggest the city use to avoid lawsuits from tourists who base their vacation plans on pictures they see in books written in 1932. Here are my suggestions:
1.) Baltimore – I Wouldn’t Sit Here Too Long, Our Murder Rate is 5.48 Times The National Average
2.) Baltimore – You Are in The [insert gang name here] District
3.) Baltimore – While You Were Reading This, Someone Stole Your Wallet
4.) Baltimore – If You Can Read This, You’re Ahead of The Curve
5.) Baltimore – McCain Didn’t Stand a Chance
Welcome to Charm City
