Archive for November, 2008

Fanmail

November 30, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , ,

The following messages were sent to me from a guy who calls himself “regan =]”

2008/11/30 at 6:04 PM
hey man no wonder you get no girls you talk about them like they are worthles pieces of meat grow a dick and get some respect you douche bag theres no need to ever fucking talk so much shit ok damn man do you have no life to where you have top talk shit on every fucking thing out there seriously you fucking pig fucker suck on a choad and go back to the prostitute that gave birth to you oh and when you get there tell her thanks for llast night bitch

2008/11/30 at 5:59 PM
fuck you man i smoke weed and get more pussy than you suck on that you gweedo little bitch

2008/11/30 at 5:57 PM
no you only hook up with the ugly gay dont steall all the good lookin bois from me babe sowwy =[ try chickens i heard they are crazy

He wants to fuck with me? Fine, my response:

My Dearest "regan =]“
It’s always good to hear from my fans out of the section 8 housing projects. It’s amazing how you manage to feed a drug addiction AND still can afford to pay for an internet connection with your welfare check.

I’m curious, do you ever have to venture far from your house? I figured there are plenty of drug dealers and prostitutes right outside your door. Must be great, I mean fuck those food stamps right? That’s all the nourishment a tortured soul such as yourself really needs.

Oh, and thanks for stalking me, but next time please no slander. I understand you’re frustrated that I have opinions, am better looking than you, and I have (what people with ambitions like to call) a future, but that is no excuse to forget how to use grammar correctly and totally throw sentence structure to the wind.

In regards to “i smoke weed and get more pussy than you”, hookers, prostitutes, your cousins, strippers, and if you pay for it in any way it does not actually count as pussy. No amount of ecstasy can change that.

Try this for a change of pace. Finish jerking off, put down the bong, and Google “grammar” (careful you might learn something). Next, walk across your room, try not to step on any of the used syringes and cum filled socks. Find a window, and open it up. Scream “I am a drug addict” so no one will waste their time caring. When you jump out make sure it’s head first. If you successfully kill yourself, congratulations, that is what accomplishment feels like (or would have felt like, you’re dead now, hopefully). Please keep in mind, this will not improve your life in the slightest, but I will sleep easier at night knowing my tax money isn’t being wasted on your inutile fuckwitted self.

Yours Truly,
Someone better than you

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If there were no hangovers every pansy pushing cock sucker would do what I do. I’m certified, leave debauchery to the professionals

November 30, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

I went over my friend’s house, just needing a night to relax. If you believed that, this is the first post you’ve read, continue reading, and get back to me.

I run into an old friend of mine, Black Seal Rum. For those of you who have yet had the pleasure, it’s essentially Rupplemints on crack. Liquid, 140 proof candy. I’m going to go ahead and file that statement under “B” for blatant foreshadowing.

I approached everyone at the party in turn demanding that they do a shot with me, and if they refused I would put their manhood into question and call them a pussy until they came to their senses. It was not long until the bottle was on “E”. I had two options, call it a night because I should, or disregard any concern for my health and safety. I really don’t need to spell it out for you.

There was still plenty of Natural Lite (watered down horse piss) and Bacardi 151 (The piss of Lucifer from concentrate), and ill be damned before I let this shit go to waste when there are sober kids in other countries. Needless to say I blacked out. Last affable memory I retained was me vomiting in the kitchen sink, at least I think it was the sink.

I woke up in the dining room, next to the fireplace, curled up in a ball, under a table, plastered in vomit. I’m confused to say the least, but still drunk and pass back out.

Now before the day was through I vomited 13 times. I’m talking bellemic girl the day after thanksgiving. I not only smelled like vomit, I looked like I had been relentlessly beaten with a nerf bat for the entire three hours I slept.

Here is the twist, I was with my extended family for pretty much the entire day. That’s aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces. You get the drift… Oh yeah, they’re Mormons.

We all gathered at a place called “photo people”. Took a lovely family portrait to give to my grandmother come Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Grandma. Now you know who drank all the eggnog.

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Baltimore – keep your expectations low

November 27, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

If you live in Baltimore you’ve passed a public bench or two at some point in your miserable existence. If you’re literate, and weren’t running from the police, I’m sure you’ve had a few seconds to take note of the absurd proclamations we make as a city. I’m certain there are more, but two I’ve seen regularly are:

1.) Baltimore – The Greatest City in America

2.) Baltimore – The City That Reads

Now, neither of those statements are true nor verifiable. I’m pretty sure the only thing books are used for in Baltimore is to hide drugs, or if you cut out the inside you can even stash a small weapon.

Now, to say Baltimore is the greatest city in America is an opinion. I say, let’s try and stick to the facts. I have come up with a few verifiable alternatives that I will suggest the city use to avoid lawsuits from tourists who base their vacation plans on pictures they see in books written in 1932. Here are my suggestions:

1.) Baltimore – I Wouldn’t Sit Here Too Long, Our Murder Rate is 5.48 Times The National Average

2.) Baltimore – You Are in The [insert gang name here] District

3.) Baltimore – While You Were Reading This, Someone Stole Your Wallet

4.) Baltimore – If You Can Read This, You’re Ahead of The Curve

5.) Baltimore – McCain Didn’t Stand a Chance

baltimore-bench

Welcome to Charm City

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Mandalay on strategy

November 24, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , ,

You should start every game of hang-man by saying “I’m not sure I spelled this word right”. Even if you are 100% sure you did. You want to keep the bastards off-balance. Like a sea sick Ukrainian girl with an inner ear infection. While you’re at it, before every game you should get your opponent pregnant. It’s a good way to distract them.

I’m awesome at hang-man.

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A pretentious shade of blue

November 24, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , ,

I really feel as though I’m the most powerful man on the planet. But sometimes people don’t treat me that way and that makes me sad. Because it really isn’t that easy to be this incredible; that is to say that it might be hard for you to do it.

So when guys hear their girlfriends compare them to me, it hurts that they would react negatively to me simply because I’m so much better than they are. I climbed the ladder just like you should be doing instead of complaining about how much better my hair is than yours.

This brings me to my next point: I work for this. I wash my hair almost every single day and cut it sometimes. I shave nearly once a week so people can see my fabulous jawline. I avoid most major drugs that would have an adverse effect on my incomparable wit and immaculate verbiage. So don’t think I don’t make sacrifices. Your jealously in barely necessary in this case.

So my wisdom to pass onto you is this: the air is thin up here and it’s a little hard to breathe some days.

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It was “all you can drink”, so that’s what I did

November 22, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , ,

I need a breathalyzer installed on my phone. Drunk text messaging destroys lives, and I shouldn’t partake in such a pastime.

On second thought, they’re fun to read the next day, and if a few lives are lost for the sake of a cheap laugh it was well worth the price.

Example:
Bart “get out here now we leavin 2 mins bro srry”
Falcor “Yah thY cool, I got. Smme posi!!”
Bart “lol what… r u gettin home safely?”
Falcor “I   hip”

In my state of severe inebriation, (I’m pretty sure an Irish catholic would have cut me off) I didn’t even know I had sent those messages, however Bart was kind enough to forward a few excerpts to some friends of mine, and I was filled in promptly.

P.S – Last night I was able to successfully manifest the fires of hell using only my sins, Black Seal 140 proof liquor and a cigarette lighter. Still waiting for the dumb cunt to get over her hangover and upload the video. It was awesome! and I’m excited as shit!

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“Studying”

November 19, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , ,

How the hell some people get by in school is beyond me. Even though, I have never considered myself to be smart: I’m resourceful and creative, that’s how I roll.

I’m at the library right now, and it’s jam packed with kids studying. What am I doing? Writing blog entries and thinking of something witty for my facebook status.

The computers in the library are setup so there are monitors back to back and side to side. About six computers fit on a desk.

I hear someone laughing, it’s coming from the computer directly across from me. I can’t see his face since it’s blocked by the monitor I’m typing this on, but judging by his laugh I can only assume it’s Sherman Klump.

The laughing continues. What the fuck is he doing?

A few seconds go by. More laughter.

Curiosity finally gets the best of me and I prop my head up above the computer monitors expecting to see Eddie Murphy playing with an obese hamster. Instead, I find a black guy probably in his thirties, gray hair, and a smile that hasn’t seen a dentist for a solid decade.

I tilt my head down a little farther and notice he is not even using the computer. He is reading the index in an old book. I write him off as probably on drugs and sit back down.

Then it hits me.

What. The. Fuck… THIS guy goes to MY school?!? Am I that retarded? It’s not like there is an SAT Lite, this guy had to take the same tests, write the same essays and fill out the exact same applications, and he got in just as I did. I barely made it into this school, so where does that put me on the intellectual totem pole?

Oh right! I don’t care. I need to be focusing on the real reason I attend college:

Slutty girls and cheap drugs

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My stance on hosptials

November 19, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

I’m for them.

Unless it’s a vampire hospital. In which case I would need to seek further council.

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A traditional chinese dildo farm

November 18, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

traditional chinese dildo farm

traditional chinese dildo farm

I wish I knew who deserved the credit for this miraculous picture. Even after all the bullshit I had suffered through from the “What will a bag of peanuts get me” story, it still made me laugh. I found it at a mall in Virginia while Ken and I were getting lunch.

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My stance on the “N” word

November 18, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

Please raise your hand if you can remember the last time they were responsible for anything worthwhile….

Yeah, don’t hold your breath, and I bet they all voted for Obama too!

Get real jobs or at least contribute something to society. I have to deal with your shit every time I watch TV or turn on the radio. Our culture and the media is already piled sky high with worthless garbage as it is, so please just go somewhere far away and stay there. Maybe head north, I hear Canada has free health care, ohhh I bet they’d love that. Pot is a little more legal too..

I could go on all day, but the simple fact of the matter is: Nickelback Sucks!

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