October 26, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged dignity, Eastern Europe, facebook, gay, Joe DiMaggio, mark, not really, penis touching, the bronze age, time machine, wheelbarrow
So I guess I’m pretty gay if you base that only off the conversations I have.
Hypothetical: Someone is willing to pay you to touch your penis to another penis; what would the lump sum payment have to be?
Myself, Falcor, and ShirtedDave all identified variables and came up with vastly different amounts based on said variables. Example, a random person who you were confident had only harmless STDs that you wouldn’t have to have daily encounters with would come out to something around $200. A friend or roommate would be somewhere around $3500. Cause I don’t really think it makes me gay just cause I’m touching pensises with my penis.
Brad lists his lump sum, no variables considered, flat amount of…$500,000.
That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever heard.
For me to even not feel guilty about receiving that amount of money I would have to be touching my penis to my dad’s penis while on video conference with my mom and have it be my facebook profile picture for a year. It would also have to be someway represented on my tombstone.
So the conclusion here being, the more money you ask for to connect peens, the more insecure you are in your own ability to not fuck guys for the rest of your life.
October 26, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged suicide, t-mobile, cell phone, it's always sunny in philadelphia, T-1000, t-bone steak, tea
I wake up to a text from my sister reminding me to pay her cell phone bill. If you’re curious as to why I pay her bills. Well, mind your own fucking business asshole!
I call the phone company and get kicked right to some automated recording. That’s fine, I know the drill, you have to first get through all the usual bullshit.. Your name, number, social, and for security purposes a list of your fears… Now, give me an operator.
No.
The voice persists. Which I’m pretty content with until the 14th fucking time I try to give it my credit card number, nope fucked up again. Ok, I’am starting to get a little pissed off. I can’t reason with it and I’am certain it can’t pick up on the profanity spewing from my mouth.
“Please say your credit card number now, 4 digits at a time”
“Fuck, not agai-”
“I’m sorry, please repeat your credit card number now, 4 digits at a time”
I want to give you money, and you’re being a total bitch!
October 23, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged bustling metropolis, clubs, douche bags, illegal street races, prada sunglasses
When the sun goes down three things happen
1. It gets darker
2. Crime
3. Douche bags
Using shit for other than their practical and intended purposes seem to be the latest fad. But, If you think wearing a pair of fake prada sunglasses makes you look slick, at night…
well I hope you die
October 23, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged cheesecake, humpback whales, late night snacks
Keeping in touch with people is hard. Sending text messages at 12:21 in the morning is not! Show that special someone you care, by pissing them off while they try to sleep!
We each picked a few people semi-randomly out of our contacts and sent the following message:
“What are you doing right now, and how do you feel about it?”
The Results:
Falcor’s friends:
Brad: “What”
Elliot: “The hell are you talking about”
Megan: “Are you Intoxicated?”
Ken: “WTF r u talkin bout.. trying 2 sleep”
Stinger: “?”
Trae: “falling asleep with my hand in my boxers”
Mandalay’s friends:
Matt: Drinking and feeling incredibly sexy.
Conclusion: Matt is sexy
October 23, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged Atlanta Falcons, bag, cool j, douche, Jessica Alba, Meatloaf, Sam's Club, shopping cart, waterbed
So I’m sure you’ve either been part of, or have overheard the conversation concerning Meatloaf’s epic “I Would Do Anything For Love”. The conversation being what Meatloaf would not do for love, otherwise referred to as “that”.
The conversation takes place between ignorant douche bag and ignorant innocent(s). It begins usually with either someone/everyone overhearing “I Would Do Anything For Love”, a discussion about Fight Club or in the case of severe douche baggery it will come up completely unprovoked. It takes place as followed, without fail:
“What won’t he do?” asked the Ignorant Douche Bag.
“That,” responded Ignorant Innocent.
“Hahahahaha,” laughed Eddy.
“What is ‘that’? Hahaha. I guess we’ll never know” persisted Ignorant Douche Bag because the justice system doesn’t do its job and had left him alive.
End Scene.
FUCK YOU! Fuck you, you ignorant floppy wet douche bag. I hate you and I pity those that think you’re observant and have your own opinions. You want to be cool but don’t bother putting in the fucking work to know what the shit you’re talking about and I hope somebody hits you with their Malibu.
Meatloaf won’t cheat. That’s what he won’t do for love. I know that, because he fucking says it in the fucking song. The song slows down, breaks into duet and when told that sooner or later he’d be screwing around he reassures her that HE WON’T FUCKING DO THAT. At which point, the small bit of ambiguity that is left is removed when he restates that he would do anything for love but he WOULD NOT FUCKING DO THAT.
Hey ignorant douche bag, what you’re doing is like walking up to a group of hot sluts at a party and saying “What is Rosebud anyway? I guess we’ll never find out. Hahahaha.” Then popping your collar and jerking off on the drive home.
Listen to entire songs. Develop your own opinions. And don’t vote because you’re a jackass.
October 23, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged emo kids, gay
Emo kids have long hair, eyeliner, tight jeans, and hot asses and I’m gay because I think they’re cute?
I’m not proud of it or anything, and I think they’re significantly less cute when I find out that they’re actually 15 year old dudes.
This is pretty much the only even arguably gay thing about me other than my fedora and opportunistic tea bagging so I’m deducing that the problem is with the emo kids. I have come up with two in-depth solutions that will completely solve said problem; I will summarize them now.
A.) Buy clothes that fit faggots.
B.) Fuck off.
That’s all.
